Something that will expose just how very bitter and broken my heart is, and how much it needs Christ
I've debated in my head whether to actually post this, but I think the fact that it is so very shameful for me is the very reason I should. The things that scare us to admit the most are the things that we are most proud about, or the most insecure about. Pride and insecurity are two sides of a coin; they're the same substance, just with different faces. And they reveal more than anything our need for a God who sacrifices for us.
Two days ago, my best friend got married. It was a little weird (a GOOD weird, but a weird nonetheless) for me and my other three best friends from college. It changes things, you know? Some stuff will stay the same, and much of the change is for the better, and I'm so thankful for that, but it does change things. And it sets in motion a feeling of behind-ness and a pressure among the rest of us to follow suit, and soon.
Yesterday, after I got home from said aforementioned wedding, my sister came upstairs into my room (an immediate sign that something is UP), and whispered to me frantically that my brother was going on his first date. My heart almost stopped. If you don't a have a little brother or sister, especially one that's much younger (my brother is 8 years my junior), let me tell you: hearing those words is terrifying. It means they are growing up. A lot. And, in my case, it also means that I am more behind in the relationship department that even I admitted to myself.
Full disclosure: I have never been on a first date.
No one has ever asked me on one. Ever. I have never been kissed. I have never even held someone's hand. Yes, if you were paying attention, you arrived at the right conclusion: my 17-year-old brother is closer to being married than my 25-year-old self has ever been. I think most 10-year-olds could show me up, in fact. If that doesn't fill you with a deep sense of shame, then I take my hat off to you.
Not that when you date or get married is or ever should be a competition (please, please, PLEASE do not walk away thinking that's what I'm saying), but we all feel that tension of needing to be ON TIME, or missing out entirely. It's like when you find out suddenly that that project you've not had the chance to work on is due today, and you haven't even started. Except that you were thinking about the project, and wanted to work on it, but no one would give you the supplies to get started. And it's your whole life and future that's at stake, not just your Science grade.
But it also exposes this even-more-deeply shameful reality that I am so very far behind (literally, decades behind), that it's probably due to more than just being a "late bloomer". I must be in some way, highly undesirable. Probably much of it is the way I look, but I also suspect that it's my immature, dorky personality as well. Whatever the reason(s), I'm like the ugly, broken doll left on the shelf of the store that no one wants, or will probably ever want. I've been sitting up there for ages; I'm watching every other doll get picked up and played with, or at least examined, but no one has ever even looked at me. It is so disheartening, and makes you feel so unwanted that now, writing this, I suddenly want to just go buy all the poor broken, unwanted toys in the world.
No one who ever writes about marriage in the Christian world, or just in the world in general, talks about this, but I know I can't be the only one who struggles with it. Maybe I'm on the far end of the undesirable spectrum with more extremely pathetic circumstances, but I can't imagine I'm the only one on that spectrum that would like to have some encouraging wisdom imparted to them as they realize just how unwanted they are by the opposite sex. The rough thing is, though, that most of the world's advice about being unwanted comes from people that are already married, or in a relationship, or whatever. The ones that ARE wanted. It's like having all the other little dollies on the shelf give you pep talks as they are carried away to loving homes. They all mean very well, I'm sure, but it is difficult to swallow or believe them when they have little real understanding of just how much it hurts.
So I'm gonna talk about it. Someone needs to come forward and impart some firsthand knowledge and wisdom, so it might as well be me. I've been holding on to the dignity that I want nothing to do with dating, but what's the point, really? I'm trying to shield myself from the shame I already have. I really can't make it any worse to admit it, anyway. I'll take one for the team.
I'm not going to try to "pep-talk" in the way that society often will, or in the way that Christians often will. And I'm certainly not going to pull out the "I'm Christ's princess bride" metaphor, because I have always found that just preachy and weird and not really helpful.
The horrible reality is that I may never go on a date, or hold someone's hand. I might actually become the highly-sexually-inexperienced, hideous old maid we all joke about. And if you're in a similar situation, I wish, I wish so deeply, that I could promise you you won't end up that way, either.
But I can't. Because I am not the great creator of the universe who transcends time and has omnipotent power over all things. I don't even know what color shirt I'll be wearing tomorrow. And I certainly don't know whether God has kept me very single and alone in order to prepare me for a joyous marriage, or in order to prepare me for a lifetime of anguishing celibacy.
But I will tell you something that will hopefully make you feel better.
The thing is, we're all hideous old maids. Every single person on this earth is. Many of them may be so distracted by romance or riches or other things that they don't realize it, but I promise they still are. The opposite sex may make me FEEL like I'm uglier, but I'm not. I'm just as broken and in need of a savior as everyone else. The perfect God of the universe is, in a strange way, the great equalizer. There may not be a male person on this planet who finds me attractive, but God wants me, and He's a hell of a lot better and more magnificent than any or all of them.
In the extremely likely case that I end up alone for the remainder of my pathetic life, those 60 or 70 years may very well suck. To be honest, lately I've just been praying that God would take that desire away from me entirely, so I don't have to face it for an entire lifetime. But there's an entire eternity ahead where I won't have to face those feelings of unwanted-ness and insecurity and loneliness. MORE than enough to make up for just 70 dumb years.
So I'm just going to live my life. I don't have a whole lot of control over whether there's some idiot out there who decides to fall in love with me, but there ARE lots of things I can exercise some degree of control over. Careers. Personal goals. In fact, I have never been more thankful to live in a nation and world and time where women are not restricted to the home and the family, because if God doesn't invite me to have that, I have so many other things I can have. I'm going to throw myself into those things, and try to still smile and be as gracious and thankful for others and the gifts of marriage and families that God gives them, and try my very best to suppress the bitter, jealous parts of my heart as I watch them. I have no control over being wanted by people here on earth, but I will do my best to be worthy (though I'll still fall short) in heart and soul of the creator of the universe. I pray the same for anyone who feels that loneliness and is fighting that bitterness and shame. You are wanted by someone far more important. I am trying my very best to remember that.
_____________________________________________________________________________
More full disclosure: I may have cried at periods while writing this. I may have also teared up a lot. It just goes to show you how deep that shame of undesirability runs. It is our worst enemy. It bleeds our hearts dry so we can't remember that the ONE ENTITY who really matters DOES want us.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Two days ago, my best friend got married. It was a little weird (a GOOD weird, but a weird nonetheless) for me and my other three best friends from college. It changes things, you know? Some stuff will stay the same, and much of the change is for the better, and I'm so thankful for that, but it does change things. And it sets in motion a feeling of behind-ness and a pressure among the rest of us to follow suit, and soon.
Yesterday, after I got home from said aforementioned wedding, my sister came upstairs into my room (an immediate sign that something is UP), and whispered to me frantically that my brother was going on his first date. My heart almost stopped. If you don't a have a little brother or sister, especially one that's much younger (my brother is 8 years my junior), let me tell you: hearing those words is terrifying. It means they are growing up. A lot. And, in my case, it also means that I am more behind in the relationship department that even I admitted to myself.
Full disclosure: I have never been on a first date.
No one has ever asked me on one. Ever. I have never been kissed. I have never even held someone's hand. Yes, if you were paying attention, you arrived at the right conclusion: my 17-year-old brother is closer to being married than my 25-year-old self has ever been. I think most 10-year-olds could show me up, in fact. If that doesn't fill you with a deep sense of shame, then I take my hat off to you.
Not that when you date or get married is or ever should be a competition (please, please, PLEASE do not walk away thinking that's what I'm saying), but we all feel that tension of needing to be ON TIME, or missing out entirely. It's like when you find out suddenly that that project you've not had the chance to work on is due today, and you haven't even started. Except that you were thinking about the project, and wanted to work on it, but no one would give you the supplies to get started. And it's your whole life and future that's at stake, not just your Science grade.
But it also exposes this even-more-deeply shameful reality that I am so very far behind (literally, decades behind), that it's probably due to more than just being a "late bloomer". I must be in some way, highly undesirable. Probably much of it is the way I look, but I also suspect that it's my immature, dorky personality as well. Whatever the reason(s), I'm like the ugly, broken doll left on the shelf of the store that no one wants, or will probably ever want. I've been sitting up there for ages; I'm watching every other doll get picked up and played with, or at least examined, but no one has ever even looked at me. It is so disheartening, and makes you feel so unwanted that now, writing this, I suddenly want to just go buy all the poor broken, unwanted toys in the world.
No one who ever writes about marriage in the Christian world, or just in the world in general, talks about this, but I know I can't be the only one who struggles with it. Maybe I'm on the far end of the undesirable spectrum with more extremely pathetic circumstances, but I can't imagine I'm the only one on that spectrum that would like to have some encouraging wisdom imparted to them as they realize just how unwanted they are by the opposite sex. The rough thing is, though, that most of the world's advice about being unwanted comes from people that are already married, or in a relationship, or whatever. The ones that ARE wanted. It's like having all the other little dollies on the shelf give you pep talks as they are carried away to loving homes. They all mean very well, I'm sure, but it is difficult to swallow or believe them when they have little real understanding of just how much it hurts.
So I'm gonna talk about it. Someone needs to come forward and impart some firsthand knowledge and wisdom, so it might as well be me. I've been holding on to the dignity that I want nothing to do with dating, but what's the point, really? I'm trying to shield myself from the shame I already have. I really can't make it any worse to admit it, anyway. I'll take one for the team.
I'm not going to try to "pep-talk" in the way that society often will, or in the way that Christians often will. And I'm certainly not going to pull out the "I'm Christ's princess bride" metaphor, because I have always found that just preachy and weird and not really helpful.
The horrible reality is that I may never go on a date, or hold someone's hand. I might actually become the highly-sexually-inexperienced, hideous old maid we all joke about. And if you're in a similar situation, I wish, I wish so deeply, that I could promise you you won't end up that way, either.
But I can't. Because I am not the great creator of the universe who transcends time and has omnipotent power over all things. I don't even know what color shirt I'll be wearing tomorrow. And I certainly don't know whether God has kept me very single and alone in order to prepare me for a joyous marriage, or in order to prepare me for a lifetime of anguishing celibacy.
But I will tell you something that will hopefully make you feel better.
The thing is, we're all hideous old maids. Every single person on this earth is. Many of them may be so distracted by romance or riches or other things that they don't realize it, but I promise they still are. The opposite sex may make me FEEL like I'm uglier, but I'm not. I'm just as broken and in need of a savior as everyone else. The perfect God of the universe is, in a strange way, the great equalizer. There may not be a male person on this planet who finds me attractive, but God wants me, and He's a hell of a lot better and more magnificent than any or all of them.
In the extremely likely case that I end up alone for the remainder of my pathetic life, those 60 or 70 years may very well suck. To be honest, lately I've just been praying that God would take that desire away from me entirely, so I don't have to face it for an entire lifetime. But there's an entire eternity ahead where I won't have to face those feelings of unwanted-ness and insecurity and loneliness. MORE than enough to make up for just 70 dumb years.
So I'm just going to live my life. I don't have a whole lot of control over whether there's some idiot out there who decides to fall in love with me, but there ARE lots of things I can exercise some degree of control over. Careers. Personal goals. In fact, I have never been more thankful to live in a nation and world and time where women are not restricted to the home and the family, because if God doesn't invite me to have that, I have so many other things I can have. I'm going to throw myself into those things, and try to still smile and be as gracious and thankful for others and the gifts of marriage and families that God gives them, and try my very best to suppress the bitter, jealous parts of my heart as I watch them. I have no control over being wanted by people here on earth, but I will do my best to be worthy (though I'll still fall short) in heart and soul of the creator of the universe. I pray the same for anyone who feels that loneliness and is fighting that bitterness and shame. You are wanted by someone far more important. I am trying my very best to remember that.
_____________________________________________________________________________
More full disclosure: I may have cried at periods while writing this. I may have also teared up a lot. It just goes to show you how deep that shame of undesirability runs. It is our worst enemy. It bleeds our hearts dry so we can't remember that the ONE ENTITY who really matters DOES want us.
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