Email, Unsent.

Written July 24, 2014 at 1:38am.

Mom, I love you, but I WILL not do this dance anymore.

I am an adult. I may not act like it, but I have to start accepting responsibility for myself like one and maybe I will start to act that way. 

You cannot expect to know where I am at all times. That is not your right. It was when I was a child, but this is no longer true. I tell you things, because I DO HAVE NOTHING to hide, and because I like including you in what's going on in my life. But you have it in your mindset that I owe you that information. I do not owe you anything except extreme gratitude for how well and carefully and lovingly you raised me. It is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to ensure I get home safely. That is MY responsibility now. Hopefully, you have raised me to think ahead, to use good discretion, and to know what is safe and unsafe, so that I can fully carry that responsibility on my own. Should I think I need some aid, I WILL ASK. Sorry, if you want it to your responsibility, but it's not anymore. Let me carry my own burdens, and you may find that you're not having to pay the unnecessary price for them (price, in this case, being EXTREME, UNCONTROLLABLE, IRRATIONAL WORRY). 

If, in order for you to learn this important life lesson, I have to go to extreme measures, then I will. I don't want to--LET ME REITERATE THIS AGAIN. I DO NOT WANT TO BE SECRETIVE. I LIKE INCLUDING YOU IN MY LIFE. I DO NOT LIKE ACTING IN A WAY THAT HURTS YOU OR MAKES YOU WORRIED OR UPSET. But, if in order for you to be happier and healthier and me to be happier and healthier in our relationship I do have to resort to doing things that make you UPSET, FRUSTRATED, WORRIED, SCARED, or ANGRY, I will. That being said, if you're not going to change your behavior willfully and intentionally, then I will cut you out of my life until you change it out of necessity. 

This may include, but may not be limited to:

-Not telling you where I am or what I am doing at all

-Not communicating to you (about anything)

-Refusing to be in your presence (esp. when you are acting irrationally)

-Moving out of the house

-Moving out of the state

-Moving out of the country

And, further down the line, if we have to go to such extremes,

-Not including you or asking your advice or opinion about major career, etc. life choices

-Not including you in major life events like getting engaged or married or having kids

That seems cruel, but how can I trust that you will not flip out and make everyone miserable when I don't have my wedding exactly when, where, and how you want it, if I can't trust you not to flip out and make everyone miserable when I don't walk through the door exactly when, where, and how you want me to come home in the evening?

Where do you draw the line on your need for control?? If we don't draw it now, then we never will, and I will live out the rest of my life alone, confined to this same bedroom, forever glued to your hip and your will. You say you want me to get married and have a family, but I can tell you that our relationship as it currently stands will never permit that. No practical, wise young man is going to marry a girl who lives under her parents' rule. He's going to run like hell in the other direction. If I ever got married, I would then make decisions exclusively with my husband--NOT WITH YOU. Could you handle that??? I would argue no, and before you protest, I suggest you consult with the rest of our family members on what they think.

Regardless of what you think about whether I'm being serious or not about these "threats", or whether I'm being utterly disrespectful, I mean what I say, and I do not mean it maliciously or rudely, but honestly. I am TRYING to be serious by writing this down in carefully-chosen words, rather than yelling or arguing about it aloud. I am TRYING to be respectful and mature by giving you a series of choices in how you can act, and telling you ahead of time how I will act in response. You get to decide how you're going to act. But then I also get to choose how I'm going to act, and I am doing you the courtesy of giving you forewarning of how I will act. Whether you choose to take that forewarning seriously is your choice. But the consequences, then, will be your own fault; do not mistake them for being mine, or for being intentioned to antagonize and hurt you for the sake of antagonizing and hurting you. 

Contrary to what this might sound like, or how you might take this attitude, or how you might pass this email around the dinner table so that you all can joke and laugh about me when I'm actually trying to be very serious and honest and loving about this, I would like to underline one main point and reason for why I am so determined to deal with this issue (yes, it's an issue; I know in your heart you do not believe there is anything wrong with worrying about your children but we've talked about this before; worry is a most basic lack of trust in God, and THAT IS INDEED A HEART ISSUE):

I do love you and Daddy and Elizabeth and John and I VERY MUCH LIKE INCLUDING YOU IN MY LIFE AND SEEING YOU AND HANGING OUT WITH YOU AND HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. It is BECAUSE I LIKE BEING IN RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU that I will do what is necessary to preserve that relationship in the long term, and try to do what I can to prevent unnecessary fear and worry about me on your part. 

Please, please, please, TRY to take what I'm saying seriously, and to heart, and try to trust me to be smart and safe, and the Lord to look out for me, and allow us to deal with your worry and need for control the easy, rather than the hard and painful way. 

Mom, I really do love you, and I really do NOT want to hurt you. Do you think I get pleasure out of making you upset and distraught and causing others to be angry with me, too? How sick can you possibly think I am?? Do you think I want everyone in this family to hate and resent me because I make you upset, so I'm intentionally causing a stir? Do you think I like all the negative attention, from you, as well as from Dad, Elizabeth, and John? If you really believe that about me, then you all really truly do believe I am a horrible, self-absorbed person, and this is all for naught because I will never be able to convince you otherwise.

Mom, I love you, and I'm not angry with you. I yelled earlier, and I am genuinely sorry and I apologize for it. That was immature and unproductive of me. As I write this now, I'm not hyperventilating in fury; I'm tearful with depression and worry. I'm worried about the rift that is going to grow in our mother-daughter relationship (and within our entire family) unless something changes. It hurts me, to realize that the only way for me to go make and have friends is at the expense of everyone's pleasant well-being at home. It fills me with an awful guilt, so that I never want to leave to go interact with anyone, because I know that my few hours of enjoyment will cost you, Daddy, John, and Elizabeth several hours of pain. Contrary to popular belief about my selfish motives, I would never wish to inflict that misery upon you all. Perhaps I should confine myself to my bedroom for all eternity after all. Having any kind of social life of friends is just not worth it; it's not right of me to ask you all to be miserable on my account.

I hope you know that as I've sat here for two hours writing this email, I have not been fuming or yelling or trying to put shouts into words. I swear to you, I am not even angry. I've been crying. I'm heart-broken. I'm worried about you, Mom. I'm worried that you're basing your whole existence on me, Elizabeth, and John, and that because we are broken human beings, we are always going to fail disappoint you, and leave you empty. You don't know what kind of unfair pressure that is, for someone to make you responsible for their happiness. I wish to God I could ensure to make you happy, but I know I'm sinful and screwed up, and that's just not possible.

I love you, Mom. I just wish my sinful, broken love could be enough.