This is Not Your Usual Marge Blog Post
Things discussed herein are not usually things I discuss, ever. But with a new year comes a new determination to be bolder and braver, and to confront things I childishly typically pretend not to exist.
I woke up at 3:45 am this morning and haven't been able to sleep since. My mind woke up starkly in the middle of the night and I just haven't been able to shut it off. I've had certain issues of late on my mind, and it seems they finally caught up with me. So after five hours of lying pensively in bed, I have decided--
--absolutely nothing. I am as confused as ever about my future and about where the real, Godly truth about love and marriage stands. There is so much being said about romantic love in our world, but uncovering the gospel truth about it is like digging for shattered glass--sifting for all the pieces is one difficult struggle alone, and then trying to fit them together is an altogether impossible task. So I decided to write down the facts as I know them, for better, for worse, for Godly, for sinful, for shameless, and for utterly embarrassing. Here is everything that I know about God, Scripture, and romance:
1. It's something God made. There. The first indisputable truth. If it does exist, and though I've never experienced it, I have seen it (for better, and for worse). I've read about it. I've watched it. Going by Descartes, "I think, therefore, I am" logic, if I have thought about it, then it must exist in some capacity, even if just in my mind, and if it exists, by Scriptural creed then my God must have created it.
2. If God made it, then it must be good. I'm not talking about desires for it (continue reading below), but about just the thing itself: Romantic love. If God created romantic love as he created filial love then it must be, in some way, good. Good things of some kind must come from it, when it is as God intended it (which, admittedly, is probably rare in this world since love period as God intended is rare in a broken, sinful world.)
3. It's something I want. I am not in the habit of admitting I think about romance or guys or marriage. I am really not in the habit of admitting I think about these things a lot. There's a lot of talk out there about whether the desire for romance is healthy or unhealthy, good, bad, sinful, whatever. This is a huge issue of debate in the Christian Church. Some think that wanting to get married should be the end-all, be-all; others think that when you want to fall in love so badly you're going to be the farthest from it. And there's every sort of other opinion on the matter on, around, behind, over, under, beside, beneath, and in-between these two views, many of which are flawed and self-conflicting. I can't speak to the truth in any of those opinions, because I have no firsthand knowledge in this area in the first place, and secondly because I am not some theological expert who has the Scriptural understanding and background to be able to point to the textual evidence to support a position I don't have. I can, however, admit to feeling a desire (be it supremely good, explicitly evil, feminist, anti-feminist, or anything else) deep inside some strange cavity of myself where I want that sensation of being tenderly looked at and loved by someone in a way beyond how a parent looks at a child, or a brother looks at a sister.
4. It's uncertain whether I will ever experience this phenomenon. I'm 23, going on 24, and I have never so much as had a guy look at me twice, much less date or kiss or marry me. I've got ten years of singlehood and nothing to show for it. I am likewise very aware that I might never know these things. Stupid Christian sayings, positions, and catchphrases aside, the barren truth is that I might never get married or have a family (regardless of whether you think these are good, bad, or indifferent things, or whether you think they are God-willed, or not). I might very well die an essentially asexual being.
5. It seems I'm not the only one who's confused. There's so much conflicting propaganda within the Church, and so little about romantic love in Scripture, that it's no wonder that we're all confounded. And so often people say one thing and then do another, or only speak to the subject of "singleness" in retrospect, which, to be honest, is of little comfort to those who don't have the 20-20 of hindsight. Being a Christian female between the ages of 20 and 35 and utterly unnoticed by the opposite sex does not seem to be an uncommon affliction (or blessing, depending on who you are, how you look at it, or what you're reading). Whatever you call it, it seems interesting to me that though the world is split 101-100 male-female ratio (it is worth mentioning, however, that most European, north american, and other first world countries have a higher female-to-male ratio, and, interestingly enough, higher male ratios are typically found in third-world countries, or in China, for example, where parents are legally limited to only one child for population control. Even so, for the United States, adults between 15 and 65 have precisely a 1.0 ratio), there seem to be large populations of single girls in the Church, and no men. I'm not throwing blame around here, and I'm not going to take a position about dating or Christian dating, or who-should-be-asking-out-whom, because I honestly don't think it matters. I just think that if we took the statistics within the Church, we would notice a gap between the number of females who are of dateable/marriageable age and the number of males, disproportionate to the world or national sex ratio. The logical conclusion here, is that if a majority of females in the Church are also desiring marriage, there's not going to be a supply to meet the demand*. This is not to say that we should be pairing off boys and girls. I AM DEFINITELY NOT ADVISING THAT. I am, however, making a statistical observation.
*I do not like talking about the world in pure statistics, because I am very much the kind of person to try to look at the world as being completely in God's hand and under God's control, but sometimes I do think that Christians need to ground themselves in reality and deal with facts as much as in 'feel-good' theology.
6. I can't trust anyone's advice on this subject but my own. The more I've seen, heard, and read about Christian dating and singleness and marriage, the more I've become convinced that no one knows what they're talking about, and that ultimately everyone's situation and story is different. God created us all as unique individuals, with unique reflections of His holiness, so how can I really expect someone else's advice or experience to effectively guide my own? If the Bible says nothing more than to marry a Christ-loving individual, then that's not much to go on. I think everyone is looking for more detail-specific rules and guidelines, or a formula for how to get a husband or for a formula for how to be content or (in my case) for a formula for how to get rid of these desires--but the problem is that God doesn't speak to those questions. Plenty of pastors, youth leaders, elders, and general bloggers will, though, so people are settling for second-rate, petty human advice when they realize that God is oddly tacit on this subject. Actually, I think that's the real issue, and the one that I'm really most confused about. How can I know if what I want, what I'm doing, or who I am with regard to this issue is right or wrong if there are no Scripture-dictated words about it? At the center of this debate is ultimately, I just want to love and honor God, but there's nothing to tell me how to do it with this problem.
The Bible tells us how to treat out parents. It tells us how to treat our children, and even our spouses. It gives us sexual guidelines, and rules to regulate those desires. But it doesn't say anything explicit about what to do with a desire for romantic love.
I woke up at 3:45 am this morning and haven't been able to sleep since. My mind woke up starkly in the middle of the night and I just haven't been able to shut it off. I've had certain issues of late on my mind, and it seems they finally caught up with me. So after five hours of lying pensively in bed, I have decided--
--absolutely nothing. I am as confused as ever about my future and about where the real, Godly truth about love and marriage stands. There is so much being said about romantic love in our world, but uncovering the gospel truth about it is like digging for shattered glass--sifting for all the pieces is one difficult struggle alone, and then trying to fit them together is an altogether impossible task. So I decided to write down the facts as I know them, for better, for worse, for Godly, for sinful, for shameless, and for utterly embarrassing. Here is everything that I know about God, Scripture, and romance:
1. It's something God made. There. The first indisputable truth. If it does exist, and though I've never experienced it, I have seen it (for better, and for worse). I've read about it. I've watched it. Going by Descartes, "I think, therefore, I am" logic, if I have thought about it, then it must exist in some capacity, even if just in my mind, and if it exists, by Scriptural creed then my God must have created it.
2. If God made it, then it must be good. I'm not talking about desires for it (continue reading below), but about just the thing itself: Romantic love. If God created romantic love as he created filial love then it must be, in some way, good. Good things of some kind must come from it, when it is as God intended it (which, admittedly, is probably rare in this world since love period as God intended is rare in a broken, sinful world.)
3. It's something I want. I am not in the habit of admitting I think about romance or guys or marriage. I am really not in the habit of admitting I think about these things a lot. There's a lot of talk out there about whether the desire for romance is healthy or unhealthy, good, bad, sinful, whatever. This is a huge issue of debate in the Christian Church. Some think that wanting to get married should be the end-all, be-all; others think that when you want to fall in love so badly you're going to be the farthest from it. And there's every sort of other opinion on the matter on, around, behind, over, under, beside, beneath, and in-between these two views, many of which are flawed and self-conflicting. I can't speak to the truth in any of those opinions, because I have no firsthand knowledge in this area in the first place, and secondly because I am not some theological expert who has the Scriptural understanding and background to be able to point to the textual evidence to support a position I don't have. I can, however, admit to feeling a desire (be it supremely good, explicitly evil, feminist, anti-feminist, or anything else) deep inside some strange cavity of myself where I want that sensation of being tenderly looked at and loved by someone in a way beyond how a parent looks at a child, or a brother looks at a sister.
4. It's uncertain whether I will ever experience this phenomenon. I'm 23, going on 24, and I have never so much as had a guy look at me twice, much less date or kiss or marry me. I've got ten years of singlehood and nothing to show for it. I am likewise very aware that I might never know these things. Stupid Christian sayings, positions, and catchphrases aside, the barren truth is that I might never get married or have a family (regardless of whether you think these are good, bad, or indifferent things, or whether you think they are God-willed, or not). I might very well die an essentially asexual being.
5. It seems I'm not the only one who's confused. There's so much conflicting propaganda within the Church, and so little about romantic love in Scripture, that it's no wonder that we're all confounded. And so often people say one thing and then do another, or only speak to the subject of "singleness" in retrospect, which, to be honest, is of little comfort to those who don't have the 20-20 of hindsight. Being a Christian female between the ages of 20 and 35 and utterly unnoticed by the opposite sex does not seem to be an uncommon affliction (or blessing, depending on who you are, how you look at it, or what you're reading). Whatever you call it, it seems interesting to me that though the world is split 101-100 male-female ratio (it is worth mentioning, however, that most European, north american, and other first world countries have a higher female-to-male ratio, and, interestingly enough, higher male ratios are typically found in third-world countries, or in China, for example, where parents are legally limited to only one child for population control. Even so, for the United States, adults between 15 and 65 have precisely a 1.0 ratio), there seem to be large populations of single girls in the Church, and no men. I'm not throwing blame around here, and I'm not going to take a position about dating or Christian dating, or who-should-be-asking-out-whom, because I honestly don't think it matters. I just think that if we took the statistics within the Church, we would notice a gap between the number of females who are of dateable/marriageable age and the number of males, disproportionate to the world or national sex ratio. The logical conclusion here, is that if a majority of females in the Church are also desiring marriage, there's not going to be a supply to meet the demand*. This is not to say that we should be pairing off boys and girls. I AM DEFINITELY NOT ADVISING THAT. I am, however, making a statistical observation.
*I do not like talking about the world in pure statistics, because I am very much the kind of person to try to look at the world as being completely in God's hand and under God's control, but sometimes I do think that Christians need to ground themselves in reality and deal with facts as much as in 'feel-good' theology.
6. I can't trust anyone's advice on this subject but my own. The more I've seen, heard, and read about Christian dating and singleness and marriage, the more I've become convinced that no one knows what they're talking about, and that ultimately everyone's situation and story is different. God created us all as unique individuals, with unique reflections of His holiness, so how can I really expect someone else's advice or experience to effectively guide my own? If the Bible says nothing more than to marry a Christ-loving individual, then that's not much to go on. I think everyone is looking for more detail-specific rules and guidelines, or a formula for how to get a husband or for a formula for how to be content or (in my case) for a formula for how to get rid of these desires--but the problem is that God doesn't speak to those questions. Plenty of pastors, youth leaders, elders, and general bloggers will, though, so people are settling for second-rate, petty human advice when they realize that God is oddly tacit on this subject. Actually, I think that's the real issue, and the one that I'm really most confused about. How can I know if what I want, what I'm doing, or who I am with regard to this issue is right or wrong if there are no Scripture-dictated words about it? At the center of this debate is ultimately, I just want to love and honor God, but there's nothing to tell me how to do it with this problem.
The Bible tells us how to treat out parents. It tells us how to treat our children, and even our spouses. It gives us sexual guidelines, and rules to regulate those desires. But it doesn't say anything explicit about what to do with a desire for romantic love.
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