Just some reflection....when I should probably be preparing for my math lesson at 8am tomorrow, but whatever.
So since I've been in Nashville, I'm been going to a large-group-type ministry for young adults on Tuesday nights at a local Christian non-profit coffeehouse (where I also happen to spend many a homework and/or idle writing hour too...I love it here ;). Anyway, tonight we had a guest speaker by the name of Tiffany Dawn (she's pretty cool, and so are her current travels across the country where she's been speaking and singing--you can read more about them here. :) And during her talk tonight, at one point she asked us all in the audience to close our eyes, and just to ask a few questions of God in our own minds and hearts. And the first question was: "What is the mask that I am hiding behind?"
I'll be really honest here. I don't do masks. They're like, well, weird, for one: I mean, seriously, who covers up their face and doesn't worry that they'll look like a mutant ninja turtle?? I much prefer scarves. Or flats. Much cuter accessories.
No, I'm just kidding. I knew what she meant, but I didn't know how to answer it. See, I've never been very good with masks. In grade school, I tried to wear them, but the blatant uncool air about me always seemed to wreak so badly that everyone seemed to be able to sniff it out anyway, and I figured out pretty quick that it was completely futile. By college, I'd given up. I did my nerdy thing, I managed to find a few good, kind, wonderful souls who liked me in spite of my strange, annoying, and mischievous habits, and it's been that way ever since. I try to minimize my crazy around unfamiliar people, but otherwise I'm not living my life in pursuit of any of the things that tend to be what trip up others--my life hasn't been dominated by what Tiffany called her "insatiable quest for beauty", or any other insatiable quest. I have not defined my self-worth in terms of beauty, boys, sports, music, art, achievements, grades, extra-curriculars, religiosity, or any other typical idolatry. I don't say any of this to tell you that I'm some kind-of idol-less perfect human being--quite to the contrary, I don't have problems with those idols because honestly, God's ripped those all away from me pretty early on. I've been faced with inadequacy of all sorts in every area and aspect of life, and so there honestly really isn't much of anything I have to be proud of or boast in. That's not to say that I haven't tried to boast in things or that I haven't wanted to. I certainly have wanted to, and I certainly have tried. By saying I don't fit neatly into the typical idolatry stereotypes I don't mean I'm some kind of perfect, sinless person. Just that I don't fit easily into any of those idol packages.
And an hour later, I've been sitting here, and it's taken a while, but I think I've figured out why. I've been trying to identify the idolatry that was the source of the 'mask' I wear--and there is the very problem. The mask I wear to hide from God isn't some kind of idol. The mask I use to hide from God isn't an idol--it's my very sin.
Lemme explain what I mean. Because I've never had a lot to boast in, I'm sort-of in this place where I feel I can't do much of anything. That doesn't mean I've given up trying, but it does mean that I've given up hope that I will ever do much of anything with my life other than cause trouble. I've seen everything I do as one giant hindrance to God's work in the world, and I've been striving to minimize that hindrance as much as humanly possible, however futile that might be. In that way, I feel I've been hiding behind my own sin and incompetence, seeing it like a giant barrier to having any real purpose or use to God. Like God doesn't have any use for broken people....
I realize that's not right, and not true. But realizing what you believe in your heart and changing it are two very different things. There's no simple prescription for how to change or navigate what you believe about yourself. It's a lot deeper, and a lot more complicated than that.
I'll be really honest here. I don't do masks. They're like, well, weird, for one: I mean, seriously, who covers up their face and doesn't worry that they'll look like a mutant ninja turtle?? I much prefer scarves. Or flats. Much cuter accessories.
No, I'm just kidding. I knew what she meant, but I didn't know how to answer it. See, I've never been very good with masks. In grade school, I tried to wear them, but the blatant uncool air about me always seemed to wreak so badly that everyone seemed to be able to sniff it out anyway, and I figured out pretty quick that it was completely futile. By college, I'd given up. I did my nerdy thing, I managed to find a few good, kind, wonderful souls who liked me in spite of my strange, annoying, and mischievous habits, and it's been that way ever since. I try to minimize my crazy around unfamiliar people, but otherwise I'm not living my life in pursuit of any of the things that tend to be what trip up others--my life hasn't been dominated by what Tiffany called her "insatiable quest for beauty", or any other insatiable quest. I have not defined my self-worth in terms of beauty, boys, sports, music, art, achievements, grades, extra-curriculars, religiosity, or any other typical idolatry. I don't say any of this to tell you that I'm some kind-of idol-less perfect human being--quite to the contrary, I don't have problems with those idols because honestly, God's ripped those all away from me pretty early on. I've been faced with inadequacy of all sorts in every area and aspect of life, and so there honestly really isn't much of anything I have to be proud of or boast in. That's not to say that I haven't tried to boast in things or that I haven't wanted to. I certainly have wanted to, and I certainly have tried. By saying I don't fit neatly into the typical idolatry stereotypes I don't mean I'm some kind of perfect, sinless person. Just that I don't fit easily into any of those idol packages.
And an hour later, I've been sitting here, and it's taken a while, but I think I've figured out why. I've been trying to identify the idolatry that was the source of the 'mask' I wear--and there is the very problem. The mask I wear to hide from God isn't some kind of idol. The mask I use to hide from God isn't an idol--it's my very sin.
Lemme explain what I mean. Because I've never had a lot to boast in, I'm sort-of in this place where I feel I can't do much of anything. That doesn't mean I've given up trying, but it does mean that I've given up hope that I will ever do much of anything with my life other than cause trouble. I've seen everything I do as one giant hindrance to God's work in the world, and I've been striving to minimize that hindrance as much as humanly possible, however futile that might be. In that way, I feel I've been hiding behind my own sin and incompetence, seeing it like a giant barrier to having any real purpose or use to God. Like God doesn't have any use for broken people....
I realize that's not right, and not true. But realizing what you believe in your heart and changing it are two very different things. There's no simple prescription for how to change or navigate what you believe about yourself. It's a lot deeper, and a lot more complicated than that.
Comments
Post a Comment
Comments welcome, but kind/respectful words only, please.