Always a step behind
I think I've figured it out. I know why this 'marriage' thing is freaking me out so much, and why I'm so angry at it. Because I know I'm not getting married soon. Not even close to soon. We're talking fifty billion years from now, if ever. The thing is, yes, people telling me to be thinking about marriage make me roll my eyes because that's just not happening, but it's more than that. I think I've been coming to this conclusion for a while now, I've just not wanted to admit it.
See, it's not really me I'm worried about--well, it is. But it's not my future marriage that scares me: it's everyone else's.
Watching people around you, peers who are about--or actually ARE--getting married changes your perception of the phenomenon It's not a distant future thing anymore. It's staring you in the face, and you suddenly have no idea when all of your closest friends are going to be married too. And that's not a bad thing, by any means. Marriage is a great blessing. But, well, the truth is that I'm always the last to do everything. I'm not really sure why my life works that way, except that I think it has something to do with my immaturity. I'm never ready to embark on some new life experience when everyone else is--I'm always a step behind. 'A late bloomer', as they say.
And I imagine marriage will follow the same trend with me.
Don't get me wrong, I don't mind. Honest. My friends are more prepared for these kinds of things than I am. They should be first. Sure, there is a small degree of jealousy that comes with that, but that doesn't mean it's not fair. It is.
What upsets me, though, is that this fact also triggers a different kind of jealousy. When people get married, your spouse becomes your new best friend. Because that's the way God designed it, that's what's natural, and that's what's supposed to happen. It's a good thing. But it does also mean, that in my case, I'm still going to be needing my best friends even after they're married and don't really need me so much anymore.
I know that's selfish. I know it is.
I don't mind being last, except that, in this case, it's going to be a little lonely. I'm going to be left out because I won't really fit into the new marital world of down payments on houses and future kids and minivans. I'm going to get left behind.
See, it's not really me I'm worried about--well, it is. But it's not my future marriage that scares me: it's everyone else's.
Watching people around you, peers who are about--or actually ARE--getting married changes your perception of the phenomenon It's not a distant future thing anymore. It's staring you in the face, and you suddenly have no idea when all of your closest friends are going to be married too. And that's not a bad thing, by any means. Marriage is a great blessing. But, well, the truth is that I'm always the last to do everything. I'm not really sure why my life works that way, except that I think it has something to do with my immaturity. I'm never ready to embark on some new life experience when everyone else is--I'm always a step behind. 'A late bloomer', as they say.
And I imagine marriage will follow the same trend with me.
Don't get me wrong, I don't mind. Honest. My friends are more prepared for these kinds of things than I am. They should be first. Sure, there is a small degree of jealousy that comes with that, but that doesn't mean it's not fair. It is.
What upsets me, though, is that this fact also triggers a different kind of jealousy. When people get married, your spouse becomes your new best friend. Because that's the way God designed it, that's what's natural, and that's what's supposed to happen. It's a good thing. But it does also mean, that in my case, I'm still going to be needing my best friends even after they're married and don't really need me so much anymore.
I know that's selfish. I know it is.
I don't mind being last, except that, in this case, it's going to be a little lonely. I'm going to be left out because I won't really fit into the new marital world of down payments on houses and future kids and minivans. I'm going to get left behind.
Comments
Post a Comment
Comments welcome, but kind/respectful words only, please.