On Marriage and Singledom, and Why I'm Tired of Hearing about Them
I can't believe it, but already I've been here in Nashville nearly a month. A month! It feels like a routine already, but I still wake up every morning thinking I should be getting up in Cabell 104 to go for a run down DOG street before getting ready for class while chatting with my dearest roomies.
I miss college.
I miss the community of it all. I really like Nashville, and I really like my new school, and my new program, and my new classmates, but I miss living with my best friends and being with them all the time. Post-college school and work is just a much lonelier kind-of existence. But I suppose everyone has to get used to that.
The thing that has really been bugging me, though, lately, and the thing I want to (semi)-rant about today is the seemingly perpetual discussion about "singleness" around here. Maybe it's just because I'm not out of college and in a different stage of life, or maybe its just because I'm suddenly in the heart of the so-called "Bible belt" (which can actually be quite annoying at times, because sometimes I feel its these sorts of church-goers who miss the gospel, but anyway I'm off-track...) but all of a sudden, it seems like everything and everyone (*cough*especiallyMom*cough*) is obsessed with talking about how I'm not married. It's ridiculous! Around here, especially in the churches that me and my awesome new roommate Juli have been trying out, "singles ministry" is like the buzzword. Just this past Sunday morning I introduced myself to a sweet old lady and told her about how we're new graduate students in town, and IMMEDIATELY she got this huge grin on her face and started telling me about the "excellent singles ministry here!" I managed to smile or grimace or something back at her politely, but inside I wanted to groan. Not another one....
The thing is, none of these groups are ultimately really about marriage. They'll mention it here or there, but their sermons and such are usually about other things, which I respect. But its the NAME they give them that kills me. We couldn't just call them "young adults" or "college graduates" or something like that. No. We're going to call these young people "SINGLES". I feel like we're being called out or something, and I feel like if I join a group like that, even one whose purpose is NOT to marry me off, I'm still sending some sort of signal to other people that that is my purpose in life. And it makes me feel like I'm being judged for going to one, like I'm some pathetic loser female chauvinist who goes to "church" just to find a husband. NO! That is NOT me! I'm sorry, but I'm in a new city where I don't know hardly anyone, and excuse me if my roommate and I just want to make some new friends so we don't feel so emo all the time.
I think, too, for the (generally majority of girls) in those groups, these churches are sending subliminal messages through their naming. Why is it that "singles" groups are the only sorts of church community groups or ministries that are identified by their marital status? We don't call high schoolers "too-young-to-get-married" ministries, and we don't call college age groups "taking-about-engagement" ministries, so why do we call the young people in graduate or professional programs or the working world "singles"?? I don't think it's always intended that way, but there is an unspoken message being conveyed there. By being the only type of ministry titled by its marital status, it's almost being called out as the only group of people who's marital status is unacceptable.
I don't like that. I don't like being told that my marital status at this stage in my life is unacceptable. Scripture says that God puts us in every place, every situation, with a purpose. Clearly, even if I am unmarried, I am serving my purpose wherever I am. Husband or not.
And then what gets me, is the hypocrisy of the church on the subject. They title their group meeting "singles ministry" and then the pastor gets up there and talks about (or even just mentions in passing) how single and married people look at spouses or future spouses as idols all the time, yada yada yada. And I don't disagree. I think that is COMPLETELY true. And problematic. But I think you are only tempting me more to do so, by sending me subliminal messages about how I should be looking for a future husband, whom you then claim I'm supposed not to idolize. MAKE UP YOUR MINDS, people! Speak truth to me, but then reinforce it with the way you talk about marriage yourselves. Please.
I don't say all this to put marriage down, or to argue against it. Honestly, I am probably secretly one of the biggest fans of the idea. Honestly. It's on my Top Three Life To Do List, along with "have children"
and "publish a novel". For reals. I know I've been coming off as a total feminist here, but all I'm saying is that I don't want other people to tell me to be married or not or to have kids or not or how or when to do either of those things. I want marriage and family to be MY choice. On MY time-table.
No one tells girls my age and place in life that they are "doing just great" and "hey, we're glad you are where you are and you're content and enjoying life and serving God in this way..." You don't ever hear that. And you don't ever hear anyone telling you, "Hey, if you never get married, that's okay. God will still use you and give you contentment." And that really bothers me, because it is my personal belief that that is how all Christians should be talking to one another. God puts us where he puts us. We have to accept that be content with that and take joy in that. We shouldn't be discouraging that contentment by playing (often completely unintentional) psychological games. If I don't want to be thinking about marriage, then don't try to get me to think about it, and then tell me a moment later that that is idolatry. Churches are playing mind games, and it's incredibly frustrating.
I've recently been watching this new YouTube "series" (kind of like a TV show..?) and I've gotten really into it, because it is a different take on Pride and Prejudice that sets the story in the modern world. As a result, it is still very much about marriage, but it has to deal with all the modern issues that arise around marriage: feminism, careers, etc. And I think, on the whole, the messages it conveys are relatively good (with the exception of a new episode this week in which I feel like the entire purpose is to objectify men, but that's a different story). This one from early on in the series is one of my favorites, because I agree wholeheartedly with Lizzie and her attitude:
I miss college.
I miss the community of it all. I really like Nashville, and I really like my new school, and my new program, and my new classmates, but I miss living with my best friends and being with them all the time. Post-college school and work is just a much lonelier kind-of existence. But I suppose everyone has to get used to that.
The thing that has really been bugging me, though, lately, and the thing I want to (semi)-rant about today is the seemingly perpetual discussion about "singleness" around here. Maybe it's just because I'm not out of college and in a different stage of life, or maybe its just because I'm suddenly in the heart of the so-called "Bible belt" (which can actually be quite annoying at times, because sometimes I feel its these sorts of church-goers who miss the gospel, but anyway I'm off-track...) but all of a sudden, it seems like everything and everyone (*cough*especiallyMom*cough*) is obsessed with talking about how I'm not married. It's ridiculous! Around here, especially in the churches that me and my awesome new roommate Juli have been trying out, "singles ministry" is like the buzzword. Just this past Sunday morning I introduced myself to a sweet old lady and told her about how we're new graduate students in town, and IMMEDIATELY she got this huge grin on her face and started telling me about the "excellent singles ministry here!" I managed to smile or grimace or something back at her politely, but inside I wanted to groan. Not another one....
The thing is, none of these groups are ultimately really about marriage. They'll mention it here or there, but their sermons and such are usually about other things, which I respect. But its the NAME they give them that kills me. We couldn't just call them "young adults" or "college graduates" or something like that. No. We're going to call these young people "SINGLES". I feel like we're being called out or something, and I feel like if I join a group like that, even one whose purpose is NOT to marry me off, I'm still sending some sort of signal to other people that that is my purpose in life. And it makes me feel like I'm being judged for going to one, like I'm some pathetic loser female chauvinist who goes to "church" just to find a husband. NO! That is NOT me! I'm sorry, but I'm in a new city where I don't know hardly anyone, and excuse me if my roommate and I just want to make some new friends so we don't feel so emo all the time.
I think, too, for the (generally majority of girls) in those groups, these churches are sending subliminal messages through their naming. Why is it that "singles" groups are the only sorts of church community groups or ministries that are identified by their marital status? We don't call high schoolers "too-young-to-get-married" ministries, and we don't call college age groups "taking-about-engagement" ministries, so why do we call the young people in graduate or professional programs or the working world "singles"?? I don't think it's always intended that way, but there is an unspoken message being conveyed there. By being the only type of ministry titled by its marital status, it's almost being called out as the only group of people who's marital status is unacceptable.
I don't like that. I don't like being told that my marital status at this stage in my life is unacceptable. Scripture says that God puts us in every place, every situation, with a purpose. Clearly, even if I am unmarried, I am serving my purpose wherever I am. Husband or not.
And then what gets me, is the hypocrisy of the church on the subject. They title their group meeting "singles ministry" and then the pastor gets up there and talks about (or even just mentions in passing) how single and married people look at spouses or future spouses as idols all the time, yada yada yada. And I don't disagree. I think that is COMPLETELY true. And problematic. But I think you are only tempting me more to do so, by sending me subliminal messages about how I should be looking for a future husband, whom you then claim I'm supposed not to idolize. MAKE UP YOUR MINDS, people! Speak truth to me, but then reinforce it with the way you talk about marriage yourselves. Please.
I don't say all this to put marriage down, or to argue against it. Honestly, I am probably secretly one of the biggest fans of the idea. Honestly. It's on my Top Three Life To Do List, along with "have children"
and "publish a novel". For reals. I know I've been coming off as a total feminist here, but all I'm saying is that I don't want other people to tell me to be married or not or to have kids or not or how or when to do either of those things. I want marriage and family to be MY choice. On MY time-table.
No one tells girls my age and place in life that they are "doing just great" and "hey, we're glad you are where you are and you're content and enjoying life and serving God in this way..." You don't ever hear that. And you don't ever hear anyone telling you, "Hey, if you never get married, that's okay. God will still use you and give you contentment." And that really bothers me, because it is my personal belief that that is how all Christians should be talking to one another. God puts us where he puts us. We have to accept that be content with that and take joy in that. We shouldn't be discouraging that contentment by playing (often completely unintentional) psychological games. If I don't want to be thinking about marriage, then don't try to get me to think about it, and then tell me a moment later that that is idolatry. Churches are playing mind games, and it's incredibly frustrating.
I've recently been watching this new YouTube "series" (kind of like a TV show..?) and I've gotten really into it, because it is a different take on Pride and Prejudice that sets the story in the modern world. As a result, it is still very much about marriage, but it has to deal with all the modern issues that arise around marriage: feminism, careers, etc. And I think, on the whole, the messages it conveys are relatively good (with the exception of a new episode this week in which I feel like the entire purpose is to objectify men, but that's a different story). This one from early on in the series is one of my favorites, because I agree wholeheartedly with Lizzie and her attitude:
This is a great post! I completely agree; we only get one life to live how we want, and the amount of pressure placed on girls our age to be married so young is ridiculous. I mean, we're barely out of college, and it takes time to learn what you really want out of life.
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