"And Moses hid his face, for he was afraid to look at God." - Exodus 3:6

It's moments like last night when I'm most thankful for the three girls who have become the best roommates ever in my life. Roommate numbers 1 and 2 were preparing to leave around 9:30 to go to an academic building to work for the remainder of the night, and Roommate #3 and I were going to hunker down in our room for some serious paper-writing (although I had personally been putting up a whine-fight for the last quarter-hour to dump all our responsibilities and watch an episode of Gilmore Girls instead). In the end, however, we ended up not at our desks, or in the library, but on our couch chatting for four hours about life, love, and the great mystery that is God.

One thing that struck me, though, as we were talking, was something that I've been thinking about for a while. We were talking about how God ultimately should be the love of our lives, and how he pursues us unlike any guy ever could or will, when I interrupted with a question:

"But, guys, does that ever, like, freak you out? Like, doesn't that scare you, a little?"
"What d'you mean?"
"I mean, like, doesn't it ever terrify you to think about how much God loves you?"
Pause.
"It's like....well, it's like my Mom's always reprimanding me and telling me how I don't look adults in the eye. And I don't. I dunno what it is, but for some reason, I can't look them in the eye. I usually just focus on their shoulder or something, but when I look up into their eyes, I lose my train of thought and sort-of freeze up in fear."
"Yeah," my one other INFJ roommate replied suddenly, "it's like how I can't look guys in the eye. Like they can see--"
"See right through you," I finished.
"Yeah."

I don't know if my roommates have ever really thought about what that would look or feel like, to look God in the eye, but I've thought about it a little recently. It started because I realized how much I needed to try to focus on God as my Prince and Savior rather than some unknown, potentially non-existent future boyfriend and husband. No one really knows this, and I'm probably going to get myself into a lot of trouble for admitting it, but yeah, I have an imagination, and I enjoy daydreaming, and, well, I've daydreamed a LOT about guys. [Insert simultaneous gasp of best friends here] Not certain guys in particular, exactly, but more....more like what it would feel like to have someone come into your life and look you in the eye, and to see that they really, really, honestly are in love with you. What real romance like that is like.
So, in trying to rectify that particularly prominent idol in my life, I tried a couple times to substitute what I'd imagine a boy's gaze to be like, for God's gaze. But every time I tried, I realized that it made me want to cry and cower as deep into the blankets of my bed as possible. Something about that image TERRIFIES me, and I can't handle it. And when someone tries to stop and take me aside and remind me of how much God loves me, it's all I can do to restrain myself from plugging my fingers into my ears and running in the other direction. It's not that I don't want God, exactly, it's more that....I'm so AFRAID of a God who loves so very much someone so very messed up. I'd almost be more open to facing a wrathful God than such a graceful one.

The point is, well, that I have no point. I'm not sure what any of this means, or what I should do about it. My friends would tell me I'm wrong, and I probably am, but I just can't get past how terrifying that vision is to me. This sounds awful, but I have very little desire to see my God's face. I think if I were to, I might drop down dead in fear. And I'm not sure what to do about that, or even if I can do anything about that.