My family always chooses to go to the candlelight service at church on Christmas Eve, simply because that's what we do. It's sort-of a tradition, except, no one ever objects to it. There's something quite empowering and remarkable about standing in an entirely illuminated sanctuary of several hundred people singing "Silent Night", each holding only a candle.
Tonight, I had the unfortunate circumstance to pick up one of the pathetic candles whose wick is so short that it's nearly down in the wax. Not very good for lighting. After fighting with it for about thirty seconds next to my father's, it finally alighted, but the flame never got much bigger than my pinky fingernail. It was so awfully tiny against the many brilliant lights in the church.
As I stood there, singing, I watched it and suddenly realized how much I saw myself in it. So small, so inconsequential, so utterly pathetic "in light"--pun intended-- of all the others.
I feel like that's me, in my walk with Christ, right now. I feel so pathetic, so useless, so worthless. Like, "what's the point? You're nothing compared to all the others; might as well snuff it right now and save yourself the trouble." Don't worry; I'm not suicidal or anything ridiculous like that; it's just--I wish I could do more. That I was more. As a junior in college, I suddenly see the real world looming around me and I realize that I'm no match--this time, pun NOT intended-- for it. Surrounded by genius people with prospects and talents, I don't see why God bothered with me. I feel like I have--and rightfully so--no purpose, no future.
What's the point in being a light in this world, if you aren't big or consequential enough to light other candles?
Tonight, I had the unfortunate circumstance to pick up one of the pathetic candles whose wick is so short that it's nearly down in the wax. Not very good for lighting. After fighting with it for about thirty seconds next to my father's, it finally alighted, but the flame never got much bigger than my pinky fingernail. It was so awfully tiny against the many brilliant lights in the church.
As I stood there, singing, I watched it and suddenly realized how much I saw myself in it. So small, so inconsequential, so utterly pathetic "in light"--pun intended-- of all the others.
I feel like that's me, in my walk with Christ, right now. I feel so pathetic, so useless, so worthless. Like, "what's the point? You're nothing compared to all the others; might as well snuff it right now and save yourself the trouble." Don't worry; I'm not suicidal or anything ridiculous like that; it's just--I wish I could do more. That I was more. As a junior in college, I suddenly see the real world looming around me and I realize that I'm no match--this time, pun NOT intended-- for it. Surrounded by genius people with prospects and talents, I don't see why God bothered with me. I feel like I have--and rightfully so--no purpose, no future.
What's the point in being a light in this world, if you aren't big or consequential enough to light other candles?
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